Ever since the demise of analog television in 2009, Uncle Tyler Dyer has deprived himself of the overwhelming joy one feels while viewing a favorite broadcast. Well, we’re happy to pass along that during the past year, Uncle Ty has finally joined the digital age. After constructing a high-gain antenna of his own design and connecting it to a modern TV, he’s at last watching all the enlightening programs being transmitted through the local ether.
Upon tuning in, Uncle Ty couldn’t help but notice the large number of ads for gambling, pharmaceuticals, auto insurance, and motor vehicles.
Those car and truck commercials really have our favorite uncle wound up. Reckless driving and baritone-voiced announcers trying to convince the hapless consumer that buying the manufacturer’s vehicle will affirm not only the purchaser’s masculinity, but their patriotism as well. He wonders, “Are people really dumb enough to fall for that hogwash?”
Uncle Ty couldn’t help but notice something new in a majority of these advertisements, a scene seldom included in twentieth-century marketing bids—nobody drives on the paved road anymore! In case we didn’t believe it, he passed along these screen shots of some of the ads he’s been watching during recent weeks…
Uncle Tyler pointed out, “You know, this isn’t just a guy thing. It’s not just members of the gasoline and gunpowder gang. It’s women too. And it’s whole families in on the deal!”
This revelation has motivated Uncle Ty to revolution, “With all these great family vehicles on the market, why on earth are we wasting billions and billions of taxpayer dollars on roads and bridges? We can stop spending money on roads and bridges right now!” Uncle Ty is committed to stopping the boondoggle, “We’ll finally be able to reduce the deficit with these savings. Then we can afford to mitigate the land, stream, and beach erosion caused by our marvelously innovative new cars, trucks, and SUVs. And, of course, we’ll fulfill our commitment to farmers and landowners by compensating them for the damage drivers of our modern motor vehicles cause on their property.”
If there’s anything left, Uncle Ty assures us it will be prioritized to help pay for prescription drugs and the socioeconomic impacts of gambling. As for your auto insurance, you won’t need that anymore—you’ll find it nearly impossible to receive reimbursement or a settlement when you don’t drive on the road.
That, in a nut shell, is why Uncle Ty is running for office. So as you go to the polls, choose the candidate who’s beholden only to his own eccentricities. Cast your ballot for Uncle Tyler Dyer. While you’re there, look for him shaking hands and giving out lollipops. He’s the one wearing the loudly colored shirt. And don’t be too surprised if while he offers you one of his treats, he looks you square in the eyes and inquires, “Sucker?”
