Photo of the Day

Independence Day Safety Equipment
The gasoline and gunpowder gang’s biggest holiday of the year is once again upon us.  This Independence Day weekend, don’t let the celebration turn to tragedy.  Keep a garden hose or fire extinguisher at the ready to dowse any hot embers or other potential troublemakers.  Fill a bucket with water for use as a trash receptacle for your hot sparkler rods and other pyrotechnic waste.  Have non-combustible lids or covers handy to smother any flare ups while you’re grilling.  Don’t forget, they’ll be plenty of testosterone and adrenaline circulating to keep the festivities exciting, so skip the alcohol and energy drinks if you’re driving or lighting off fireworks.  Things don’t need to be any more explosive.  And remember, the anthem’s lyrics say, “…the rockets red glare, bombs bursting in air…”, not burning your neighbor’s garage down, so maintain a safe distance with your grills, camp fires, and July 4th displays, won’t you please?  Have an exciting weekend!

Three Items to Add to Your Tacklebox to Be a Better Conservationist

Soon after their arrival during the late 1600s, the earliest trans-Atlantic human migrants to settle the Lower Susquehanna River Watershed began the process of eliminating many of our largest native fish species.  They started by extirpating nature’s steward of lowland streams and wetlands, the North American Beaver.  The beaver’s meticulously maintained dams and fisheries-friendly ponds were promptly replaced by man-made impoundments designed to permanently divert water for powering lumber and grain mills.  Behind these structures, silt deposits accumulated as the forests were clear cut and the land subjected to highly erosive farming methods.  Mill dams would eventually be located on nearly every mile of suitable low-gradient stream in the basin.  Populations of native coldwater fishes including Brook Trout were quickly lost or left isolated in scattered headwaters.

With their navigation of creeks blocked by nearly impenetrable mill dams, seasonally migratory freshwater and anadromous fish were denied access to their traditional spawning waters.  The latter then had their populations seriously depleted, and in some cases extirpated, following construction of hydroelectric dams on the lower Susquehanna during the first half of the twentieth century.  The loss these latter species, including the herrings, Striped Bass, and sturgeons, all of which attain great size only because of their ability to make a sea run to access the year-round food energy available in the Atlantic, constitute a tremendous reduction in the numbers, variety, and mass of fish occurring in the river and its tributaries.

Add to these events the various sources of pollution entering the lower Susquehanna’s waterways during the intervening years including acid mine drainage, agricultural nutrients and sediments, stormwater runoff, untreated domestic and industrial sewage, illegal dumping, pesticides, etc., and one can easily understand how the watershed’s native fishery was lost as a commercial, food, and recreational resource.

Presently, the effort to restore populations of self-sustaining anadromous fishes to the lower Susquehanna is stalled due to the presence of introduced invasive species, particularly Northern Snakeheads, in the river’s waters below Conowingo Dam.  Lifts that carry migrating fishes over the lower river’s hydroelectric dams during the spring run are shut down to avoid extending the range of the hoards of non-native snakeheads to waters upstream of their present location.  Any translocation of anadromous fish must now be completed by manually separating desired species from among the invaders and loading them into a tank truck for transport to waters upstream of the dams.  But Northern Snakeheads are currently so prevalent at Conowingo that they are overwhelming the lift used for collecting and sorting fish as well.

Any slight hope that had existed for a return of harvestable stocks of American Shad or other sea-run native species to the Susquehanna and its tributaries seems to be fading.  And widespread improvements to water quality that would promote reestablishment of sustained populations of native coldwater fishes like Brook Trout are strictly a long-range goal.

Recreational anglers, however, still remain in the game—but their reward is a bit of a booby prize.  To compensate fisherman for the loss of their quarry on the river and in streams, and to promote an interest in the fishing pastime and conserving waterways, the stocking of various species of “game fish” has been a continuous undertaking, particular since the middle decades of the twentieth century.  Some of these introductions are planned, others, like the release of Northern Snakeheads, are unsanctioned and outright illegal.  The one thing most introductions have in common is that they consist of hardy, aggressive, predatory fishes that are non-native species (or native transplants from watersheds such as the Mississippi).  Their presence, especially in large concentrations and particularly during the time immediately following introduction, can have a deleterious impact on native stream inhabitants.  Some introduced fish, the Flathead Catfish for example, are upon discovery deemed invasive species; others, like the Smallmouth Bass, escape such a label not because they lack negative impacts on stream communities and ecosystems, but because they have been present for extended periods of time and have thus been accepted as part of the local fishing culture.

Rainbow Trout

Rainbow Trout
Hatchery-raised Rainbow Trout stocked by the hundreds in a lower Susquehanna valley creek for angling.  The Rainbow Trout is native to the streams and rivers of the Pacific coast of North America.  An anadromous form is known as the “Steelhead”.  These sea-run trout with access to marine food sources during their growth years attain more than twice the size of freshwater forms and acquire oversized hooked jaws before ascending waterways to spawn.

The creation of recreational fisheries comprised of introduced species has certainly helped maintain an interest in the fishing hobby and in the conservation of waterways.  It has even been a driving force for spectacular restorations of streams that otherwise would have languished in an impaired condition with little in the way of diversity of species—native or non-native.  As anglers, we are especially indebted to those who’ve devoted their time, energies, and, in some cases, a lot of money to projects that specifically seek to reestablish native waterways within the challenging landscape of the Lower Susquehanna River Watershed.  With an eye on the future, perhaps now is a good time to join them and focus our passion for freshwater angling on steering fisheries management more toward the native ecosystems approach.  Quality instead of quantity.

In that spirit, here are three items we can add to our tackle boxes this season to be better fisheries conservationists, instead of our own worst enemies.

Lead-free Weights
Lead-free Weights-  Replace the lead in your tackle box with tungsten or other lead-free alternatives to eliminate the potential impact this poisonous metal can have on you and wildlife like waterfowl and Bald Eagles.  Make a special effort to rid your inventory of small pieces of shot that can easily be ingested by animals as they feed. 
Realistic Lures
Realistic Lures-  Add sport to your fishing by using artificial lures.  Today’s selections include very realistic versions of native fishes, crayfish, frogs, and other aquatic creatures.  Use these life-like imitations and you won’t need to harvest native minnows and other wildlife from populations that are already being subjected to negative impacts from stocked legions of predatory “game fish”.  You’ll also eliminate the risk of introducing non-native bait species into your favorite fishing waters!
Trash Bag
Trash Bag-  Always bring a trash bag and carry out your litter.  Be especially vigilant about monofilament fishing line.
Fisherman's Trash
Fishermen are their own worst enemies, so you’ll need to pick up after the other guy too.  Show the landowners and land managers who are our hosts a little consideration.

Best of luck this fishing season.  We hope your time outdoors will motivate you to get involved with efforts to keep your local waterways clean.  You might even be inspired to assist with projects that are planned or currently underway in the Lower Susquehanna River Watershed to restore stream segments, wetlands, and floodplains.  Many of these projects are grassroots efforts and they’d love to have your participation.  Your local county conservation district can steer you towards an active restoration group near you.  Give them a ring.

Rainbow Trout and "Golden Rainbow Trout"
Hatchery-raised Rainbow Trout and a “Golden Rainbow Trout” stocked for anglers in a restored segment of a stream in Lebanon County, Pennsylvania.  The “Golden Rainbow Trout”, also known as the “Banana Trout”, is a Rainbow Trout color variant developed through multi-generational selective breeding of offspring produced by crossing a typical male with a yellow-mottled female mutant discovered in a hatchery in West Virginia in 1955.  Today, “Golden Rainbow Trout” breed true, golden males crossed with golden females yielding golden young.  The less colorful “Palomino Rainbow Trout” is produced by crossing a “Golden Rainbow Trout” with a typical Rainbow Trout.

This Week’s Enormous Diurnal Flights

For the past several weeks, we’ve given you a look at the fallout of Neotropical songbirds on mornings following significant nocturnal flights of southbound migrants.  Now let’s examine the diurnal (daytime) flights that have developed in recent days over parts of the lower Susquehanna basin and adjacent regions.

For those observing diurnal migrants, particularly at raptor-counting stations, the third week of September is prime time for large flights of tropics-bound Broad-winged Hawks.  Winds from easterly directions during this year’s movements kept the greatest concentrations of these birds in the Ridge and Valley Province and upper areas of the Piedmont as they transited our region along a southwesterly heading.  Counts topped 1,000 birds or more on at least one day at each of these lookouts during the past seven days.  Meanwhile at hawk watches along the Piedmont/Atlantic Coastal Plain border, where flights topped 10,000 or more birds on the best days last fall, observers struggled to see 100 Broad-winged Hawks in a single day.

Broad-winged Hawks
Dozens of migrating Broad-winged Hawks during a morning liftoff to the north of Blue Mountain.

Among the challenges counters faced while enumerating migratory Broad-winged Hawks this week was the often clear blue skies, a glaring sun, and the high altitude at which these raptors fly during the mid-day hours.

"Kettling" Broad-winged Hawks
Large numbers of Broad-winged Hawks climbing on a thermal updraft to gain altitude can become increasingly difficult to spot in a clear blue sky.
"Kettling" Broad-winged Hawks
Higher and higher they go until they practically disappear from view.
Broad-winged Hawks
Cloud cover can help make locating really high-flying birds a bit easier, but they can sometimes climb into the lower portion of the cloud and vanish.

Another factor complicating the hawk counters’ tasks this week, particularly west of the Susquehanna River, was the widespread presence of another group of diurnal fliers.

Blue Jay
Was it the migratory Blue Jays that are beginning to move through the area?   No.
Sharp-shinned Hawk
Was it the increasing numbers of Sharp-shinned Hawks and other raptors?  No.
Hawkwatchers Scanning the Skies
So what was it that complicated the hawkwatchers’ efforts to find high-flying Broad-winged Hawks during this week’s flights?
Spotted Lanternfly
Is it a bird?  Is it a plane?  No.  And it’s nobody’s superhero either.  It’s the non-native Spotted Lanternfly and it is now very numerous west of the Susquehanna and common enough to the east to make even experienced observers take a second look while scanning the skies for Broad-winged Hawks and other migrating raptors.  Just how many do raptor counters have to contend with?  Even where these invasive insects have become less populous in the lower Susquehanna valley, hundreds still fill the skies above forest clearings around hawk-counting stations including Waggoner’s Gap, Second Mountain, and Rocky Ridge County Park.
Spotted Lanternflies on Radar
Spotted Lanternfly populations explode with great vigor as they colonize areas with plenty of tender new growth on native, non-native, and cultivated shrubs, trees, and vines.  Earlier this week, National Weather Service Doppler Radar in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, captured enormous mid-afternoon flights of Spotted Lanternflies in recently invaded areas of southwestern Pennsylvania and eastern Ohio.  (NOAA/National Weather Service Doppler Radar image)
Spotted Lanternflies on Radar
A base velocity image consisting primarily of Spotted Lanternflies in southwestern Pennsylvania and eastern Ohio.  (NOAA/National Weather Service Doppler Radar image)

As the Broad-winged Hawk migration draws to a close during the coming ten days, the occurrence of the one dozen other migratory diurnal raptors will be on the upswing.  They generally fly at lower altitudes, often relying upon wind updrafts on the ridges for lift instead of high-rising thermal updrafts.  They therefore present better observation opportunities for visitors at hawk watch lookouts and are less frequently confused with high-flying Spotted Lanternflies.

Merlin
A Merlin seen earlier this week migrating through the Lower Susquehanna River Watershed.  The numbers of migrating Merlins and other falcons will peak sometime in coming weeks.

Some Early Season Damselflies and Dragonflies

During recent weeks, as temperatures have warmed into the 70s and 80s, early season odonates—damselflies and dragonflies—have taken to the wing along our watercourses and wetlands to prey upon small flying insects.

Vegetated Stream
In addition to wetlands, many vegetated streams, ponds, lakes, and rivers are prime locations to find a variety of damselflies and dragonflies.
Common Whitetail and Eastern Amberwings
A male Common Whitetail (top) and some Eastern Amberwings (Perithemis tenera) patrol the edge of a verdant pond in search of small flying insects.  In addition to defending territories for hunting, many males will begin chasing off potential rivals as the breeding season gets underway.  Both of these dragonflies are tolerant of mud-bottomed waters during their aquatic larval stages of life and may be the only species found at places like farm ponds.
Male Fragile Forktail
The Fragile Forktail is common throughout the Lower Susquehanna River Watershed.  It is the most likely damselfly to colonize garden ponds, wet ditches, and other small bodies of water.
Female Fragile Forktail
Having just mated with the male seen in the previous image, this female Fragile Forktail prepares to oviposit (lay her eggs) among the submerged plant matter in the shallows of this pond.  After hatching, the larval damselflies will spend an entire year as aquatic predators before taking flight as adults next spring.
Male Blue Dasher
The Blue Dasher is a common dragonfly around streams, ponds, and wetlands.  It can frequently be found perched in sunny woodland clearings, even those quite a distance from their breeding area.
Male Eastern Forktail
The Eastern Forktail (Ischnura verticalis) is a common damselfly around almost any calm, vegetated waters.  They frequently perch on emergent plant leaves and stems.
Common Baskettail
The Common Baskettail (Epitheca cynosura) is currently numerous around tree-lined pond and lake shores.  They spend nearly all of their time on the wing and frequently dart in and out of the shade while hunting and defending their territory from other dragonflies.  Unless you happen to catch a quick glimpse of them in good sunlight, these hyperactive insects will appear completely black in color.
Common Baskettail
Another Common Baskettail, this one mostly lacking any black coloration on the base section of the hindwings.
Lancet Clubtail
The Lancet Clubtail is a handsome early season dragonfly of slow clear streams, ponds, and wetlands.  They spend much of their time perched, watching for prey.
Lancet Clubtail
We found this Lancet Clubtail about 100 yards from a mountain stream perched on the ground atop some debris on a seldom-traveled forest road,…
Lancet Clubtail
…and this one clinging to some shrubs along the shore of a clear woodland pond.

If you’re out and about in coming days, you’ll find that flights of Common Green Darners, Black Saddlebags, and other species are underway as well.  As the waters of the lower Susquehanna valley continue to warm, an even greater variety of these insects will take to the wing.  To help with the identification of those you see, be certain to click the “Damselflies and Dragonflies” tab at the top of this page.

Fall Foliage at the Peak of Color

Have you noticed?  Foliage throughout the Lower Susquehanna River Watershed has been painted with the brilliant colors of autumn, so now is the time to get out there and have a look.  Why not make a collection?  You can pick up an inexpensive scrap book or photo album at the craft store to press and label the varieties you find.  Uncle Tyler Dyer is already busy adding to the project he assembled last year.  You can use his exhibit as a reference for identifying and learning a little bit more about the leaves you find.

To identify the leaves you discover, click this image.
Leaf Collection Mounted in a Photo Album
The editor’s 1995 collection of leaves from the Susquehanna River floodplain at Conewago Falls.

PLEASE STAND BY

(Public Domain image by RCA Manufacturing Company)

A brief test procedure has rubbed the epithelial cells in one of your editor’s critical organs the wrong way, thus prompting them to let loose with cytokine proteins all over his body.  Shortly put, it’s like experiencing the aftermath of a major heart attack for a second time.  We’ll be back when the action-packed reenactment is over.

Saharan Dust Cloud: Get Your Camera Ready

It appears that the Saharan dust cloud has at last wandered our way.  The plume is presently advancing across Texas and the Mississippi and Ohio River valleys.

The stream of Saharan dust making a right turn across the western coast of the Gulf of Mexico into Texas and the Mississippi valley.  The leading edge can be seen over Ohio approaching western Pennsylvania.  During its long journey, the dry air in the plume has become too diluted to have much impact on the formation of convective clouds.  (CIRA/NOAA image)
A dense segment of the plume can be seen pushing into clear air over Tennessee and the southern Appalachian Mountains.  (CIRA/NOAA image)

Be sure to get outside and have a look at the sunsets and sunrises in the coming days.  They just might be a photo-worthy spectacle!

The Layover

After nearly a full week of record-breaking cold, including two nights with a widespread freeze, warm weather has returned.  Today, for the first time this year, the temperature was above eighty degrees Fahrenheit throughout the lower Susquehanna region.  Not only can the growing season now resume, but the northward movement of Neotropical birds can again take flight—much to our delight.

A rainy day on Friday, May 8, preceded the arrival of a cold arctic air mass in the eastern United States.  It initiated a sustained layover for many migrating birds.

Bobolinks (Dolichonyx oryzivorus) in flocks of as many as fifty birds gathered in weedy meadows and alfalfa fields for the week.
A Bobolink sheltering in a field of Sweet Vernal Grass (Anthoxanthum odoratum) during the rain on Friday, May 8th.
Two of seven Solitary Sandpipers (Tringa solitaria) in a wet field on Friday, May 8.  Not-so-solitary after all.
Grounded by inclement weather, Rose-breasted Grosbeaks (Pheucticus ludovicianus) made visits to suburban bird feeders in the lower Susquehanna valley.  (Charles A. Fox image)

Freeze warnings were issued for five of the next six mornings.  The nocturnal flights of migrating birds, most of them consisting of Neotropical species by now, appeared to be impacted.  Even on clear moonlit nights, these birds wisely remained grounded.  Unlike the more hardy species that moved north during the preceding weeks, Neotropical birds rely heavily on insects as a food source.  For them, burning excessive energy by flying through cold air into areas that may be void of food upon arrival could be a death sentence.  So they wait.

A freeze warning was issued for Saturday morning, May 9, in the counties colored dark blue on the map.  (NOAA/National Weather Service image)
This radar image from 3:28 A.M. Saturday morning, May 9, indicates a minor movement of birds in the Great Plains, but there are no notable returns shown around weather radar sites in the freeze area, including the lower Susquehanna valley.  (NOAA/National Weather Service image)
To avoid the cold wind on Saturday, May 9, this Veery was staying low to the ground within a thicket of shrubs in the forest.
This Black-throated Blue Warbler avoided the treetops and spent time in the woodland understory.  He sang not a note.  With birds conserving energy for the cold night(s) ahead, it was uncharacteristically quiet for the second Saturday in May.
A secretive Northern Waterthrush (Parkesia noveboracensis) remained in a wetland thicket.
A Scarlet Tanager (Piranga olivacea) tucks his bill beneath a wing and fluffs-up to fight off the cold during a brief May 9th snow flurry.
In open country, gusty winds kept Eastern Kingbirds, a species of flycatcher, near the ground in search of the insects they need to sustain them.
Horned Larks are one of the few birds that attempt to scratch out an existence in cultivated fields.  The application of herbicides and the use of systemic insecticides (including neonicotinoids) eliminates nearly all weed seeds and insects in land subjected to high-intensity farming.  For most birds, including Neotropical migrants, cropland in the lower Susquehanna valley has become a dead zone.  Birds and other animals might visit, but they really don’t “live” there anymore.
Unable to find flying insects over upland fields during the cold snap, swallows concentrated over bodies of water to feed.  Some Tree Swallows may have abandoned their nests to survive this week’s cold.  Fragmentation of habitats in the lower Susquehanna valley reduces the abundance and diversity of natural food sources for wildlife.  For birds like swallows, events like late-season freezes, heat waves, or droughts can easily disrupt their limited food supply and cause brood failure.
For this Barn Swallow, attempting to hunt insects above the warm pavement of a roadway had fatal consequences.
Another freeze warning was issued for Sunday morning, May 10, in the counties colored dark blue on this map.  (NOAA/National Weather Service image)
This radar image from 4:58 A.M. Sunday morning, May 10, again indicates the absence of a flight of migrating birds in the area subjected to freezing temperatures.  Unlike migrants earlier in the season, the Neotropical species that move north during the May exodus appear unwilling to resume their trek during freezing weather.  (NOAA/National Weather Service image)
On Sunday evening, May 10, a liftoff of nocturnal migrants is indicated around radar sites along the Atlantic Coastal Plain and, to a lesser degree, in central Pennsylvania.  The approaching rain and yet another cold front quickly grounded this flight.
After a one day respite, yet another freeze warning was issued for Tuesday morning, May 12.  (NOAA/National Weather Service image)
And again, no flight in the freeze area.  (NOAA/National Weather Service image)
The freeze warning for Wednesday morning, May 13.  (NOAA/National Weather Service image)
And the nocturnal flight: heavy in the Mississippi valley and minimal in the freeze area.  (NOAA/National Weather Service image)
The freeze on Thursday morning, May 14.  (NOAA/National Weather Service image)
At 3:08 A.M. on May 14th, a flight is indicated streaming north through central Texas and dispersing into the eastern half of the United States, but not progressing into New England.  (NOAA/National Weather Service image)
The flight at eight minutes after midnight this morning.  Note the stormy cold front diving southeast across the upper Mississippi valley.  As is often the case, the concentration of migrating birds is densest in the warm air ahead of the front.  (NOAA/National Weather Service image)

Today throughout the lower Susquehanna region, bird songs again fill the air and it seems to be mid-May as we remember it.  The flights have resumed.

Indigo Bunting numbers are increasing as breeding populations arrive and migrants continue through.  Look for them in thickets along utility and railroad right-of-ways.
Common Yellowthroats and other colorful warblers are among the May migrants currently resuming their northward flights.
The echoes of the songs of tropical birds are beginning to fill the forests of the lower Susquehanna watershed.  The flute-like harmonies of the Wood Thrush are among the most impressive.
Ovenbirds are ground-nesting warblers with a surprisingly explosive song for their size.  Many arrived within the last two days to stake out a territory for breeding.  Listen for “teacher-teacher-teacher” emanating from a woodland near you.

Coronavirus (COVID-19) Update

As a public service to our susquehannawildlife.net visitors, Uncle Tyler Dyer has agreed to give us a summary of the news.  Uncle Ty is currently in self-imposed quarantine and will continue to remain in isolation until the threat from SARS-CoV-2 passes.  Despite his age, he’s not particularly concerned about exposure to the virus or the Wuhan flu; he’s worried about getting bit by one of the “friendly” dogs that are presently dragging their owners down the sidewalks and recreation trails throughout the Susquehanna valley on a daily basis.  Worse yet, he dreads the thought of winding up in the E.R. because he got bit by one of their kids.  So until the subdivision dwellers go back to work and school, Uncle Ty will remain, like always, out of sight.

To get the latest scoop, be assured that Uncle Ty will poll his many exclusive sources, most of them unavailable to mainstream news reporters.  He not only knows people in high places, he knows high people in places.

Here’s the news.

Hey man, I’m Ty Dyer and here’s what’s happening.

The Flat Earth Coalition of Environmental Scientists is advising the public to be alert for an impending threat posed to those who exercise “social distancing”.  According to a forthcoming report, if everyone were to maintain a distance of six feet between themselves and all other individuals, those persons around the physical periphery of the mass of humanity will be dangerously close to the horizon’s end.  Despite the effects of COVID-19, the world population is still growing by more than 200,000 persons each day.  Soon, the earth will become overcrowded and people will begin falling off the planet, possibly within the next several weeks.  A spokesperson warned that pushing, shoving, and name-calling could precede the eventual dumping of the weakest from the crowd over the side to make more space.  F.E.C.E.S. would not speculate on the fate of those who take the dump; however, those living near the rim are advised to wear a face mask and a parachute while doing their business.  Critics were quoted as saying, “The F.E.C.E.S. movement is full of it.”

Meanwhile, the Face Mask Manufacturers Alliance is asking those who are not sick, are not healthcare workers, or have not been exposed to SARS-CoV-2 to stop misusing their products, particularly while there is a severe supply shortage.  They warn users that their masks are designed to prevent those who have been exposed to the flu virus or another contagion from transmitting it to others by capturing the aerosols produced by breathing, speaking, coughing, or sneezing.  For those who have no flu symptoms or other evidence of exposure, but who insist upon wearing a mask to prevent contracting the virus despite that use being an application inverse to its design, the manufacturers ask that you please turn the mask inside out before donning.  To alert others of your status, you are requested to wear your outer garments inside out as well.  If you are exposed to SARS-CoV-2, test positive for the virus, or have symptoms of the flu or other contagious illness, you are instructed to wear a mask as designed, right-side out, to prevent contaminating those around you.  You can also then turn your clothing right-side out as well.

There is controversy in several northeastern cities today after police officers arrested dozens of people for failing to practice safe “social distancing”.  Each of those cited was quickly released to avoid crowding of the precinct houses.  The controversy arose when representatives of the cities’ vice squads insisted that enforcing “social distancing” laws comes under their jurisdiction.  They reminded city officials that after all, it was the vice squads who for decades have made it clear that violations of “social distancing” laws are not victimless crimes.  They then accused city governments of underfunding their operations in an attempt to force them to surrender “social distancing” enforcement to patrol officers while the limited resources of the vice squads deal with the lingering jumbo soda epidemic.

Astronomers today released a statement saying that in deference to the importance of safe “social distancing”, they would eliminate using Gemini as the name of a well-known constellation until further notice.  The stars comprising the Gemini twins will now be divided among two new constellations called Hank and Marty.  Scientists pointed out that the stars comprising Hank and Marty are actually many light-years apart; it is our vantage point on earth that makes the two men appear to be violating the practice of safe “social distancing”.  Nevertheless, they didn’t want Gemini setting a bad example.

Radio broadcasters have announced that many classic rock and pop recordings have been edited and remastered to reflect increased awareness of safe “social distancing”.  Here are a few of the slightly amended hits you’ll be hearing on the airwaves soon.

The Beatles—I Want To Hold Your Hand (But My Arms Ain’t Long Enough)

The Beatles with Billy Preston—Get Back (To The Tape Mark On The Floor)

The Beatles—(This Really Isn’t A Good Time To) Come Together

The Captain & Tennille—Love Will Keep Us Together (But You Better Stand Over There) 

The Carpenters —(Not So) Close To You

The Jackson 5—I’ll Be There (Or Better Yet Over Here)

Michael Jackson—Beat It (extended remix)

Bette Midler—From A Distance (Remastered)

Olivia Newton-John—(This Is No Time To Get) Physical

Pink Floyd—Comfortably Numb (You Best Skedaddle)

The Police—Don’t Stand So Close To Me (32 minute extended remix)

The Police—Every Breath You Take (You’re Suckin’ In What I Just Exhaled)

Elvis Presley—Love Me Tender (From Over There)

The Rolling Stones—Get Off Of My Cloud (And Outta My Space)

Diana Ross & The Supremes—Someday We’ll Be Together (But Not Right Now)

The Temptations—I Can’t Get Next To You (Remix)      

Will the firm friendly handshake share a destiny with cocktails in the workplace, smoldering ashtrays on the desk, and the annual holiday office bash?  Coronaphobia, a rallying cause for the next authoritarian movement of do-gooders, is surely on its way.  (National Archives-White House image by Oliver F. Atkins)

And that’s what’s going on for April 1, 2020.  Ty Dyer saying stay home, don’t get strung up in the puppet show, and remember, there are two different Amazons out there, and the only good one is a river.

Welcome

 Major funding for “Life in the Lower Susquehanna River Watershed: A Natural History of Conewago Falls—The Waters of Three Mile Island” is provided by…

denying an aging man the consumer comforts of adequate heat, modern appliances, reliable transportation, and a good haircut…

and by…

collecting loose change in a dangerous alley.