As a public service to our susquehannawildlife.net visitors, Uncle Tyler Dyer has agreed to give us a summary of the news. Uncle Ty is currently in self-imposed quarantine and will continue to remain in isolation until the threat from SARS-CoV-2 passes. Despite his age, he’s not particularly concerned about exposure to the virus or the Wuhan flu; he’s worried about getting bit by one of the “friendly” dogs that are presently dragging their owners down the sidewalks and recreation trails throughout the Susquehanna valley on a daily basis. Worse yet, he dreads the thought of winding up in the E.R. because he got bit by one of their kids. So until the subdivision dwellers go back to work and school, Uncle Ty will remain, like always, out of sight.
To get the latest scoop, be assured that Uncle Ty will poll his many exclusive sources, most of them unavailable to mainstream news reporters. He not only knows people in high places, he knows high people in places.
Here’s the news.
Hey man, I’m Ty Dyer and here’s what’s happening.
The Flat Earth Coalition of Environmental Scientists is advising the public to be alert for an impending threat posed to those who exercise “social distancing”. According to a forthcoming report, if everyone were to maintain a distance of six feet between themselves and all other individuals, those persons around the physical periphery of the mass of humanity will be dangerously close to the horizon’s end. Despite the effects of COVID-19, the world population is still growing by more than 200,000 persons each day. Soon, the earth will become overcrowded and people will begin falling off the planet, possibly within the next several weeks. A spokesperson warned that pushing, shoving, and name-calling could precede the eventual dumping of the weakest from the crowd over the side to make more space. F.E.C.E.S. would not speculate on the fate of those who take the dump; however, those living near the rim are advised to wear a face mask and a parachute while doing their business. Critics were quoted as saying, “The F.E.C.E.S. movement is full of it.”
Meanwhile, the Face Mask Manufacturers Alliance is asking those who are not sick, are not healthcare workers, or have not been exposed to SARS-CoV-2 to stop misusing their products, particularly while there is a severe supply shortage. They warn users that their masks are designed to prevent those who have been exposed to the flu virus or another contagion from transmitting it to others by capturing the aerosols produced by breathing, speaking, coughing, or sneezing. For those who have no flu symptoms or other evidence of exposure, but who insist upon wearing a mask to prevent contracting the virus despite that use being an application inverse to its design, the manufacturers ask that you please turn the mask inside out before donning. To alert others of your status, you are requested to wear your outer garments inside out as well. If you are exposed to SARS-CoV-2, test positive for the virus, or have symptoms of the flu or other contagious illness, you are instructed to wear a mask as designed, right-side out, to prevent contaminating those around you. You can also then turn your clothing right-side out as well.
There is controversy in several northeastern cities today after police officers arrested dozens of people for failing to practice safe “social distancing”. Each of those cited was quickly released to avoid crowding of the precinct houses. The controversy arose when representatives of the cities’ vice squads insisted that enforcing “social distancing” laws comes under their jurisdiction. They reminded city officials that after all, it was the vice squads who for decades have made it clear that violations of “social distancing” laws are not victimless crimes. They then accused city governments of underfunding their operations in an attempt to force them to surrender “social distancing” enforcement to patrol officers while the limited resources of the vice squads deal with the lingering jumbo soda epidemic.
Astronomers today released a statement saying that in deference to the importance of safe “social distancing”, they would eliminate using Gemini as the name of a well-known constellation until further notice. The stars comprising the Gemini twins will now be divided among two new constellations called Hank and Marty. Scientists pointed out that the stars comprising Hank and Marty are actually many light-years apart; it is our vantage point on earth that makes the two men appear to be violating the practice of safe “social distancing”. Nevertheless, they didn’t want Gemini setting a bad example.
Radio broadcasters have announced that many classic rock and pop recordings have been edited and remastered to reflect increased awareness of safe “social distancing”. Here are a few of the slightly amended hits you’ll be hearing on the airwaves soon.
The Beatles—I Want To Hold Your Hand (But My Arms Ain’t Long Enough)
The Beatles with Billy Preston—Get Back (To The Tape Mark On The Floor)
The Beatles—(This Really Isn’t A Good Time To) Come Together
The Captain & Tennille—Love Will Keep Us Together (But You Better Stand Over There)
The Carpenters —(Not So) Close To You
The Jackson 5—I’ll Be There (Or Better Yet Over Here)
Michael Jackson—Beat It (extended remix)
Bette Midler—From A Distance (Remastered)
Olivia Newton-John—(This Is No Time To Get) Physical
Pink Floyd—Comfortably Numb (You Best Skedaddle)
The Police—Don’t Stand So Close To Me (32 minute extended remix)
The Police—Every Breath You Take (You’re Suckin’ In What I Just Exhaled)
Elvis Presley—Love Me Tender (From Over There)
The Rolling Stones—Get Off Of My Cloud (And Outta My Space)
Diana Ross & The Supremes—Someday We’ll Be Together (But Not Right Now)
The Temptations—I Can’t Get Next To You (Remix)
And that’s what’s going on for April 1, 2020. Ty Dyer saying stay home, don’t get strung up in the puppet show, and remember, there are two different Amazons out there, and the only good one is a river.